What now?

This year has been something of a bust really. Big ambitions, not very much follow through on my part. I fear I will never have the courage to be a good showjumper or even jump the heights I want to. I'm just not really really brave. I should be jumping 1.25m/1.30m tracks, but I'm still 1.15m/1.20m tracks. We did a day trip to a show the other day and Butch was fantastic in the 1.20m class and jumped our first clear round without time faults, and then in the amateur (which is smaller) had 2 stops at a combination, got him through the combination and retired him.

He was really tired after some hillwork earlier in the week, so he has some excuse but it's just so frustrating. Especially having sold Connie who is Miss consistency. I wish I had been able to keep her and sell him but she was worth twice him and as far as jumpers go he is the superior animal. I just miss Connie so badly, worse than I thought. He is lovely though, I need to just step up and suit him.

Only four shows left to go in the season and then it's all over rover until next September. I don't know, I'm tired, I'm sick of being sweaty, poor and I'm sick of horses. It's all very well doing what you love, but you certainly turn what you love into work. It's actually quite nice as a hobby. That being said with no time off schedule I end up working day after day and I am certainly burnt out. Once the season is over I'm going to go to my parents place with my pony and spend a week just hill riding. There isn't much cellphone signal out there so in my head it seems very serene.

I don't know what comes next though. No idea what I want to do or if I should retrain. I will definitely be going back to riding as more of a hobby. I think. I have loved it! I might take on a schooler. It's hard. I ran into trouble with my relationship and it blew my confidence out of the water in all aspects of my life and I started struggling in the ring again.

Sometimes with Butch I feel like I click in and its so easy but if that doesn't happen, it really doesn't happen. I just wish I was a better braver rider. I just want to jump a grand prix so bad but it seems so far away. Lucky mine is a sport you can keep doing until you are ancient. Meanwhile this winter I will hunt the big guy and may even do a horse trial or two. I just don't know where I will end up yet. After Horse of the Year my future is a very blank page.